There are some things in this world that are just not meant to be.

12:05am: A little piece of life
Its been quite a while since I've updated this journal, and I have a very good reason for that. That reason is that I've been swamped with exam studying and papers to write and speeches to compose. I feel like studying is all I've ever done in my life. But, surprisingly enough, all of this studying stuff works. I'm serious. The more I study, the better my grades seem to be. Its amazing. Something I never believed until now. Why didn't someone tell me about this before?
lol I've been kind of shut off from the world lately. No gaming, no phones, no going out with friends.
I have been seeing alot of Jason. But my God, he's just so ....seeable! lol *sigh*
Its tentative. But technically, I've been accepted to UNC Charlotte for next year.
See, what happened is this -
I called UNC Charlotte the other day. The day I mailed my application and stuff. I asked to speak to a counselor because I had some questions and stuff, right? But then, its me, and I always have questions. lol I think my eagerness (is that valid here?) was pretty evident to the counselor on the phone. I pretty much asked her if she thought my chances were good. And she said that my acceptance was almost assured. She said that I would probably receive a letter of contingency admission. What means pretty much that my final admission will be contingent upon whether or not I pass my classes next semester. Which of course, I definitely will!
Its safe to say that I'm extremely happy about this.
I'll be leaving the little rural hole in the road that is my home once again for a big city. I'll miss the little town of Hamlet. ahhh nostalgia before I've even left. lol
So many museums in Charlotte. I'll be happy. The only thing I'm a littel apprehensive about it the roommate thing. Ya know, what if I don't get along with her? What if she doesn't like me? Most importantly, what if she doesn't show up?!
hah. All stuff that is so far away in time and yet it all seems so distressingly vital right now.
Oh well.
Jason and I went out the other night. Understand that right now this is all still just "good friends who kiss occasionally" stuff. We ended up by the Falls just outside of Rockingham. We were talking about the stuff that's been going on with us lately. I think this says it all.

Jason - I think that one of these days we're going to have to make a decision as to whether or not this will be anything else.

Naomi - I think you're absolutely right.

Jason - You obviously didn't start this between us just so we could keep doing this "friends with benefits" thing.

Naomi - You're right. I didn't.

Jason - You've been hinting at this for years.

Naomi - Ever since I was 16.

Jason - Right. And you're 19 now.

Naomi - And you're 24, Jason.

Jason - Right. So like I was saying, you're the same age I was when I met you. And you're a whole hell of a lot different then when I met you. You've changed. In a good way. (comment - I liked the sound of that) And I think I underestimate you a little. Still think of you sometimes like I do Amelia (his sister - I almost killed him right then and there).

(I think he saw the look on my face at that comment)

Jason - Not like that. Its just that you've always been so wildly impulsive (he was talking about me, right?). And you're different now. More mature certainly than you were at 14. And more mature than you were at 16. Hell, you're more mature than you were when you left last year. (Goal scored for me!)

Naomi - And, I can't be certain because this is you. But, I think those thoughts are good ones.

Jason - They are. You've surprised me.

Naomi - Once I let you get to know me right?

Jason - So what's your name again?


lol. Think any ground was paved in that conversation? It is nice to know that he's beginning to see that this could work. Now if I can just get him to cook me food and we'll be okay. The only thing that bothers me is that this is his last year of university. After this, for him, its off to Belgium to his parents or to Washington D.C. And I go to Charlotte. Why did he have to wait so long to agree to go out with me?

10:39pm: nothing new - duty post
haha. Well, this is sort of a duty post, since I really don't have anything interesting to wite abot. Except for the fact that i was late for my Psych final today.

11:54pm: Have some fun.
Alright. So I think I should mention that I have a serious addiction to the programming on WB's Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday nights. This is bad. I sometimes still get hankerings for Dawson's Creek. Though I think this could be a by-product of my strange teenage development years. Or those strange little green men I like to hang out with *wink wink*. lol
I'm in a serious mood for some good country songs. Old ones that came out when I was a kid. Like some old Tim McGraw stuff. Gosh, I miss the music of my childhood. - Oh wow. I sound like an adult there.

That IS scary. lol

Brandy called me tonight to talk. I think I was kinda distant at first. But then, after awhile it was the same old laughing and joking conversation stuff that we do, so we're still cousins, I think. She just gets abducted every once awhile and becomes the alien Brandy. I'm sure she would not agree with my words there.

I went on myhiddentalent.com to see if anyone had written any comments about my stuff. I mean, I know I'm not the greatest poetry writer in the world, and I haven't written anything in ages, but I think they should say something on there about my stuff. I think some of those poems were pretty good for a 16 year old. My favorite one was written when I still in great angst over Jason (Stevens). This was when I couldn't figure out how he really felt about me.
Strange stuff went on out there. I didn't really tell anything about life out there. I never mentioned my job when I was working at Applebee's. I never talked about how fun it was to go out with Jesse and Jamie. I miss my apartment quite a bit. We took pictures of it around Christmastime last year before I flew home for the holidays, but we never developed them. The first huge snow we took a bunch of pictures. But we never developed those either. I miss Denver. :(
I miss Aurora! And Hobby Lobby! And boy do I ever miss the Virgin Records store downtown!
I wanted a pet, and our lease didn't allow us to have any animals in the apartment. Our lease also didn't allow us to have more than two people living there, but Josh lived with us for two months. I have fond memories of his Game Cube. lol Anywho, because we couldn't have a pet, Jason went out and got me this ugly little stuffed tiger. lol It looked like a warped Simba (Lion King). We named it Polly (made of Polyester - admire our ingenuity alright!). We would have had Allie the alligator. But that's another story.

Marc thought I was deliberately ignoring him. He came over last night to tell me that.
Jazz got online the other day to tell me to call him. Then when I called him, he argued with me. ugh
Jason's coming over tonight after he gets off work. yay! I get to see my buddy. My hot buddy. hehe

12:06am: Stuff to write about
One thing to write about is that I have an excellent chance of getting into Unc-Charlotte. *little happy happy joy joy dance*
I keep telling myself i need to work on a journal program for my other computer. But everytime I start, I come to this one, and I start dling music and chatting on Omega. I should probably be writing a paper or something right now. In fact, I know I should. But I'm pretty much ahead with my work right now so I can afford to screw around for a few hours. Then I should probably work on some papers. *mental note to self - do homework!*
Oh by the way, just for the information of those precious few who read this journal, someone with one leg and one arm is acceptable. Anything less and I head for the hills.
lol
My brother has been calling alot. I really want to go Philadelphia and visit the family. Much missing here of my brother and aunts, uncles, and cousins. And my grandmother.
I also need to update the site. And I will! I promise. *damn all this freezing up of omega* - strike that
I'm going to need to learn some different html for the addition I'm thinking of making to the site. So, more to come on that.

Cassinda has been descending upon my bookshelf lately with greedy eyes. lol I think its so great. I'm happy that she's interested in my books. There are obviously quite a few that are either two "adult" for her or just some that she is too young to comprehend the themes.

Oh. Something that has been happening lately that I feel the need to write about. Maybe it'll make me feel better about the situation.
Tabatha
Okay, a little background on tab and me.
We met through Brandy when I was 14 and she was 13. We first talked on the phone once. we're almost exact opposites in outward appearance, not to mention the fact that i'm a pale white girl and she's black. But, what makes us such good friends, or did, is that we have the same values in life. We came from similar backgrounds and we've always understood each other near perfectly.
Maybe that's the problem.
A few days ago Brandy told me that she thought I felt closer to tab than her. I love my cousin like a sister. However, I love tab as well. I don't know why they think they have to compete or something. They're both so important to me. The family I wish I had.
Anyway, tab and I, we been through alot together. I trust her with everything. She believed in me when I went to Denver. No one else did and I loved her for that.
Or at least, I used to think I oculd trust her with everything.
But now she seems to imitating my mistakes to the letter. She's skipping school like you wouldn't believe. She's so freaking smart, if she'd only go. I don't know how to make her understand that I'm on my last chance. And if she doesn't stop doing the shit she's doing, she may not get a last chance. *sigh*
She stayed with us for a week a couple of months ago. She never paid us like she said she would. And when we called her on it, she ditched us.
Bran said she saw her in school the other day, and Tab asked her if i was mad at her. I told Bran to tell her that the sooner she calls me, the less mad I'll be. She did, and Tab told Bran to tell me to call Tab. And Bran told Tab that I couldn't because I don't know where she's staying! She said, "Oh yeah. That's right." And walked away.
She says she cares about this friendship. But there's only so many chances I can give my best friend.
*sigh* what to do what to do

I miss Denver. Have I mentioned that lately? I don't miss Jason. I do miss having someone though. *shivers* I miss Denver. I miss my job at Applebee's. I miss my apartment. Damn him. I promise that one day I'll post the story of what happened to make me come home. I may even post the story of how I left for Denver in teh first place. lol

Oh yes, I should probably talk about how I adore Kazaa. lol I love this song. Breathe by Michelle Branch. I dled it today, and I remembered how much I love Michelle Branch. I need to dl my ozzy song, some more linkin park, that atari song that I like...
I also to get a new qbasic game off the net. I love those games! I miss miss miss my atari 2600. I wish it still worked. :( But, I still have my computer. And I want a game cube to play Resident Evil 0 all I want. lol

Damn, Naomi has a headache. Too much music, computer screens, and thinking. I always knew Steve was right and that all my thinking would one day hurt me. lol
See! I also miss Steve. And Jeff. Crazy idiot that he was. And Blair. I miss Cass and Zach. That's it! I'm going to Denver next year when I get the money. lol

11:03pm: I've discovered teh secret to life.
Well, okay, no I haven't. But it sounded pretty good just typing it.

I'm still experiencing great lust when it comes to my friend Jason.
Just thought I'd mention that.

All the classes I want for next semester are open. *little happy dance*

Shawshank Redemption is going off now. I love that movie. One of my favorites. Great acting, great plot, and a fantastic ending.

Have I mentioned that I'm still experiencing lustful feelings for my friend?
lol Oh. Yeah, I have. lol

Oh well, I'm 19. I'm a healthy female.

Whaddaya want from me?!

1:59pm: So much and so little time!
What can I say about life right now except that it seems so overwhelming at the moment. I have two papers to do. One is for psychology and the other is an annotated bibliography for history. But I haven't really truly started on either of them. After I get done writing this, I'll go up to the second floor of the library and begin my research.
I like the second floor of the library at my school. Its always so quiet up there. I like how I can sit down at one of the study carrels and just do what i need to do, and even thought there may be people all around me, with study carrel walls, it feels like I'm still separate from everyone. Its a nice way to study. Everytime I go up there and see a bunch of people at the study carrels and tables, first I get kind of weary like Okay, I probably won't be able to get anything done today. But once I get into my work, they all go away. So, that's why I like it up there. Its like a whole other world separate from the rest of the campus. I don't know why i like libraries so much. I think its because of the peace and escape that they offer. Its like, you can go into a library, get a book, and all your problems disappear. You get dragged into someone else's life for a short while. There problems become yours. But when you close the book and put it back on the shelf, you can leave the problems in the book.
I messaged Jason yesterday. I don't know why. Maybe i was curious as to what he would say. I really wanna get accepted to Unc - Charlotte. I've decided that my first spring break, I'm going to go to Denver and visit the city. I really miss Denver. I miss the mall. There is absolutely no place like the 16th Street Mall. My absolute favorite place in Denver besides Aurora and Glendale.
I wonder sometimes what I'll think of Charlotte if I get to go. I've spent like a day in Charlotte, but I've never been there for longer than that. Much less lived there.
I still can't believe that i'm applying to a university. It was one thing to apply here at RCC and get accepted. I knew they'd accept me. My scores were excellent. And if you make the minimum scores on the college placement exam, they have to accept you at a community college. But, this...this is a university. This is even different than going and living in Denver.
Oh what am I talking about?! Why do I analyse myself so freaking much?! There is nothing to worry about. When I explain to them my circumnstances, they'll understand and they'll definitely accept me because I'm just so darned smart!
lol
Okay, well the meeting that they were holding in the library is over. That was the only thing stopping me from goiing in the and studying upstairs. So, I'm going to go seriously hit the books hard.

2:31pm: Foooooooooooooodddddddddd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm hungry hungry hungry!!!!!
I think I may head over to the school cafeteria and scope me some munchies. After that though, its back to the library to stick my head in a book with no hopes of being able to emerge for hours. *grumble of stomach* Or maybe that was me grumbling because I have so much work to do?
My alarm clock is being a little bitch. Its purposely spiting me because it knows i hate its sound in the mornings. So, this morning, ya know what it does?
It doesn't go off! At all. Such a freaking bitchy little thing. I oughtta go home and kick its little ass. But alas, no i can't. Why?
Because I, Naomi, have so much work to do that its a wonder I can hear anything will the books piled up around my ears.
Nofe air! Nofe air!
Oh bah.
At least i'm almost done with all the stuff I need to do for my application to UNC - Charlotte. All I have to do now is write them a letter explaining my transcripts and why the high school ones particularly suck. But that the transcripts after that, don't suck at all. They rock!
Well, sort of. I got a 93 on my english essay. How ya like that? A 93! Of all the stinking grades I could have gotten, I got a 93 for Chrissakes!
But then, I guess I sort of asked for such a poor grade when I asked her to grade me just a wee bit tougher than she did the last time.
Last time, I got a 95. If I was pissed with a 95, how does she think I feel with a 93?!
Oh bah. FOooooooooOOOOOodddddddddddddddddddddddd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8:32pm: UNC-Charlotte
This is it. This is when I found out whether or not I have what it takes to get into a real university. I've filled out the application the way its supposed to be and everything looks good. I sent in requests for my GED and college transcripts today. Tomorrow, I go to pick up my high school transcripts.
All that I have to do after I get my transcripts is wait until Nov. 10 when the new schedule for next semester at my community college is posted. Then, I'll be able to tell UNC-Charlotte just exactly what classes I'll be taking next semester. Then I can send them a money order along with all the other stuff. And wait. And wait.
I don't know if I'll be able to deal with all the waiting.
I want to get accepted so much.

8:41pm: God, this is a bitch. Why won't he stop?

11:09pm: There is so much going through my head right now. I keep thinking. I keep thinking about stuff I shouldn't be thinking about. People I have no business thinking about.
I'm not sure if...if these thoughts are good or bad. I mean, one minute I tell myself they're good. Then the next, they're bad. It seems as if I'm in very strong like. This is about the only I can describe the thoughts I'm having and the feelings I'm having. I don't know. Is this wrong? Should I be thinking about him in this way? Especially after what happened.
This guy is..
he's not a knight on a white charger...lol and he isn't the guys in the romance novels I read. he isn't built like a god either. But somehow, none of that seems to matter. I really don't give a fuck about all of that.
And its like, all this is supposed to be over.
What the fuck!

12:38pm: hecticity
Is that even a word? lol I'm not sure. And I guess it doesn't even matter. There is groundbreaking news in the world of Psyche. My goddamned AOL connection has been suspended. I can't remember where else I wrote this....oh yeah, my new AIM profile, but anyway, I'm not the one who pays for the master account, so I'm not the reason this happened. Makes me feel at least somewhat placated about the entire situation. Besides the fact that I now have to use netzero to log on the fucking internet. How screwed up is that?!
Ya know, I was just fine and dandy with my aol account. I had my own screen name plus I had screen names to give away. AND not only that, but I had my own aol email address. I could log onto the internet with my own aol account. And now, I'm having to one of those free ISP connections. The ones where you only get ten hours of use a month. Which, have I mentioned, really bites me in the ass. So, I signed up for a temporary email address with hotmail. This really fucking bites.
So, yesterday James and D came over. She said she couldn't find her makeup bag or whatever and was wondering if she'd left it at my house. Which, btw, I have not seen. So anyway, after we settle that, they ask me if i want to go out with them. I'm like sure, why not? I should probably add that while we were at the house, James kept telling me that the loss of my email address was not the end of the world and that the earth was in fact, still turning on its axis. I should also mention that I'm kinda pissed off at the guy who pays for my internet account because the only reason the account is suspended is because the guy wants to be a jackass. I really hate the bastard. And not because of this. The guy is a fucking crook anyway, so hell ya know.
Anywho, we got in the car and decided we wanted to go to Wal-Mart and get something to drink. The entire drive there I kept urging D to run over someone to assuage my need for revenge in a deadly fashion. I really was pissed off yesterday. More than I am now. I wish I'd have been able to write about this yesterday when it was all still fresh in my mind. Then I really would've surprised whoever reads this journal. James kept asking me if I heard voices. And if so, were they really telling me to tell D to run over all these people.
After we left Wal-Mart, james decided I might like The Cutting Edge. I did dude! That place is fucking awesome. I saw this sticker that i really wanted to buy but couldn't because I'm broke. It read: "Donors wanted - Orgasm needed"
Me being me, I loved it. Not to mention this good keychain that I saw that read: There are only two rules when in a relationship with a women: #1. The women is always right. AND #2. If the woman is not right, SEE RULE #1.
lol....I thought that rocked. I saw some other stuff I wanted. I may go back when I get paid.
After we left there we went back to my house where i had a plate of spaghetti. We then left again. We walked around stores. D and I kept teasing James with lingerie and such. While we were in the car, he brought the subject that the last time he and his gf had sex, he didn't use a condom. And now she's got some flu-like symptoms. Since the kid's only 15, I advised him to call the girl immediately and talk to her about it. Ordinarily, I wouldn't hang around someone so young. But I forget sometimes how young the guy is. I honestly thought he was my age when I first met him.
Anywho, we went back to my house where he called his gf in my room and asked her if she thought she was pregnant or not. What really blew my mind is that while we were still in the car, D and James were telling me that this girl apparently WANTS to have a baby. At fifteen years old. Can you even imagine?! I remember thinking I was pregnant right after Jas and I broke up. It really is no fun to imagine.
So this kid's thoughts are running wild imagining his life with a child. And then when he calls the girl up and asks her, she won't give him a straight answer. She finally says she thinks she might be but she doesn't know. Before James and D left, I patted the kid on the head and wished him the best of luck with what little time remained of his youth. heh I really don't think she's pregnant. I mean, for all I know, she could be. But the story he told me just doesn't fit the timing. So, no I don't think she is. But it isn't a possibility that can be discounted. So, he waits. Poor dude.
Jazz and I....we're on tentative speaking terms I guess. I think. I dunno. He kept saying stuff last night that referenced to what happened in a light kind of way. Needless to say, I told him to kiss my ass. But then, that's just me. So, I don't think he's offended. But I am kind of pissed. But then, i'll get over it. There's always Marc. Fine-ass man that he is. MMM mmm mmm...yummy
If ever there were the perfect toy for a girl.......

he isn't it.
However, I do know the perfect boytoy. Think about him and my mouth waters with sheer desire and delight. Name's Jason coincidentally. But I've known this guy longer than I knew Stevens. This one is just so delightfully delicious. My own cousin has the love of her young life and her mouth still waters whenever I mention my fine friend Jason. I can't say that I really want to date him. In fact, all I really want to do is convince him to engage in a very hot one night stand with me. Whenever I look at this friend, I see the very vision of the word sex.
lol...the guy actually happens to be a good, long time friend. But damn if he isn't also one fine friend.
An ass made for some Levis. Not muscular but not bony either. Six feet even and i think like 175 lbs? I'm not sure. All I know is, there is not an ounce of fat on that man's thighs. Such powerful looking thighs. And hair that I just want to run my hands through all day and night. Hands....well, we won't go there.
What I'm saying is, the man symbolizes the vision of sex. And not just for me, I know. lol
24, sexy as hell, one damn intelligent guy, and as confident and cocky as a man can be without being an asshole. And yes he has brothers my friends. Two younger brothers. One's 21 and the other's 14. I'm friends as well with the middle one. He isn't his brother but he doesn't look that bad either. lol
These are men made for sex.
Hmmph well....


Don't know how I got off on that tangent, but I kinda liked it. hehe

12:33pm: Sucky ass day
God, could this day get any fucking worse?
So, I told Jazz the other night that I wanted to start talking again. I wanted to try and see if we could have something eventually. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. It was all a really bad fucking idea. He asked me last night what I wanted. And I feel so fucking great. Oh yeah, just great. Why?! Because I, in my eternal stupidity couldn't even answer the damn question. How screwed up is that?
And why couldn't I answer his perfectly honest, perfectly deserving of an answer question? Because I hadn't fucking thought about it farther than sex goddammit. I had no idea in hell where I wanted any kind of relationship with this guy to go.
I am one priceless fucking gem. And then as if that isn't enough, he tells me what he wants. I feel so fucking stupid. And isn't because he wants something outrageous or sick or anything like that at all. In fact, he has a perfectly natural right to want what he wants.
Its just that I can't give it.
No, not can't. I won't. Pride. No. Shame. Its fucking shame in myself. I feel so fucking stupid.

This is so goddamn not the way I wanted this to turn out at all. But I had no right to ask him to start talking to me again. No right at all. Because I knew what I couldn't give is the one thing he wants so darned fucking much. I really hate this.

So anyway, i really wish this had never happened. I hurt the guy once but not twice.
I suck.

6:05pm: All that is
Its almost 6. At 6, I go home.
But anyway, that gives me just a little while to update the few readers of this journal on the details of my life since the last entry.
Sabrina and I had a "falling out." Long story short, she made me really mad. Plus, my mother's pissed of at her, too.
Brandy and Chris got engaged. And then they broke off the engagement. Well, she broke it off because Chris said that when he went away to basic training this coming summer, that maybe one of them might "slip up."
Personally, I think he wants to slip up. Brandy's been talking to her ex, Josh on the phone. I wish she'd break up with Chris and go back with Josh. I liked Josh. And he and Brandy still love each other. So, I don't know what they're waiting for. I do know that Brandy's mom thinks Josh has changed since he and Brandy broke it off. She said he's not the same nice guy. Josh is 20, very nice steady income, good transportation - I've spent alot of time with Josh talking to him, so I know he really cares about her. He needs to get rid of "The Bitch" (Melissa) and ask Brandy to go back with him.
I'm so behind in two of my classes. I missed an Eng. essay a few days ago. Not good. So, I've broken down what I need to do. Given everything deadlines. I've learned that I do well with set, near deadlines.
My room looks like the devil attacked it. My head hurts. I'm hungry as all hell. And I still fucking use Jason's phrase of "as all hell." Okay, now I'm in a bitchy mood. I don't think there is an end as to how much I hate the sound of the name Jason Eric Stevens. Its not that i hate him or anything for what happened. Its that the sight of his name reminds me of what happened. And I hate to think of what happened.
I know I said I'd explain one day what happened to make me come home. Well, I will. One day.

1:16pm: BBS
I have been using a computer since I was nine, and I had never heard of a bulletin board system until a few years ago. The idea of its actually kind of interesting. It came out before the internet was born, and the idea is that people call a remote computer and are allowed a specified allotment of time in which to talk, play games, and do other stuff like send files and such. Pretty cool for the '80s I'd say.

2:43pm: New website
In case no one has noticed, which I'm sure everyone has, Livejournal.com has a new web design. Looks nice. I like the nice clean look of the site. Definitely makes it better to navigate and such. I deifnitely approve.

In other news, its been a while since I wrote anything in here. I've started my Fall Semester. Full course load of 5 classes. One of them being College Student Success. Such a boring, inane class that the college requires every student to take.

I'm also taking Public Speaking. I shuddered at the thought of the class when I signed up for it. But I have to have at least one communications class. So, I thought that I might as well get it over with. I've already given my first speech. I wasn't half as nervous as I thought I would be. However, I wasn't the picture of calm either. I could hear my voice shaking sometimes.
But, to my surprise, everyone thought it was a wonderful speech. I got many compliments. The topic was my proudest moment. My proudest moment being when I received the scholarships that I did to go to college here.
I've also begun tutoring again. I've expanded my repertoire of subjects I can tutor in. I now tutor not only math students, but one english student, and a computer student as well. I've been thinking about being a history tutor since that's what my major is. But, much to my surprise, no one seems to need a history tutor.
What's wrong with these people? Don't they know that history is hard for them?
:) The other three classes I'm taking are: Western Civ. I, Expos. Writing, and Intro. Psych. The psychology class being the easiest because I've already taken the class once (well, half anyway) and I know his style of teaching. I knwo the kinds of tests he gives. So, I know how to study, and most days I know what he'll say before he even gets a word out.

I've started a new story. Its always puzzled me when I read a book or hear about a person who thinks they're bad because their parents were. Like it runs in the blood or something. The idea that because someone's mother or father was "evil" or just junkies or lived on the streets and peddled drugs, that the child is bad. That this character "trait" runs in the blood.
Where this idea comes from, I don't know. But its absolutely ludicrous.
I was thinking about this. And how when a person thinks like this, that it can affect their entire life, and all the decisions they make. So, I decided to write a story about a young woman who was born into poverty. Whose mother had to do whatever she could to survive. And because her mother had to do these things, this young woman believes that she is stuck in this way of life forever. A smart, beautiful young woman who doesn't believe in much of anything. That's she trash, and cannot be loved.
And then there's the choices she makes. And, in the middle of all this, is the man who loves this young woman.
This is the general idea for the story. I hope I finish it because I love the idea and it intrigues me. And I wonder what will happen. I'm still not sure exactly what's going to happen. I know my characters, but I don't know what they're going to do. You'd figure I'd be able to predict. But words have a way of taking on a life of their own and writing your story for you.
Usually it's a poem I write. I write for many reasons. One of the biggest is the feeling I get sometimes that I have to put a particular idea on paper. And these are personal feelings. And often the need to get the idea expressed on paper is very urgent. Which is one reason that I don't write alot of stories. Another reason is that I hardly ever finish the stories I begin. But poetry doesn't take a month or two.
And I never put my stories on computer. For one thing, I don't like the idea that the computer can crash and my story will be lost. Or that I might this small disk the size of my palm. Trust me, a notebook is much easier to keep up with.
The other reason is that, my muse seems to die the minute I bring up the word processor program. I type faster than I write. And this is not a good thing. Not when I think slower than I type.
Writing on paper gives me a certain satisfaction that I just can't acheive on paper.
Now, that isn't the reason that I write so infrequently in this journal. The reason for that is that I'm just too damned lazy. lol I love to write though. But often I don't really feel that anything has happened that is worthy of being put up here.

I met somebody.
Kinda.
Well, I didn't just meet him. Not exactly.
We've actually been kind of casual friends for about four or five months now.
But, last Friday I talked to him for about a half an hour. And now, of all the inconvenient things, I cannot get this guy out of my head. I'm consumed with wanting to go out with him and talk to him again. Not to mention the uncontrollable lust I experience everytime I see him.
We've always flirted. And not just smiling and laughing and the such. Heavy flirting. So I have no doubt the guy likes me. Or that he wants me. And he's asked me out before. But I always said some other time, because I was interested in another guy.
His name is Marc. He's 25. Dark hair - which I've always liked in a guy. Very nice body. Intelligent, interesting, and damn sexy. A musician. With some beautiful words.
We've been talking sometimes, and I'll suddenly feel like I have one of those boxes people talk about. The ones where you could open it up, and you're suddenly bombarded with praise. They aren't real, of course, but every woman wants one. I feel like that when I talk to him. Only the words are pretty and poetic. All there'd have to be were candles, moonlight and some good Italian food and I'd definitely feel the seduction.
I like this guy. Quite a bit, in fact.
Interesting.

4:01pm: Cleaning out the closet
Not much to do right now except work more on the site. I've got the contact page up. Its pretty basic. I also added a link to this journal. And then I chose a different style for this journal so that it doesn't look the same as it always did. That gets tired after a while.
I'd like to buy a new computer. Or at least upgrade this one. However, even if I did that, I still want a new one.
WIll be awhile before any serious talk of even upgrading this one can be discussed. I've now been relegated to one of those poor college students.
How dismal.

10:13am: I'm gonna go home early (a hint of a musical melody here)
I'm gonna go home early...i'm gonna go home early....lol

Yes, I am. Our test weren't graded this morning, and so I don't have my grade back. That kinda sucked. I'm not one who has a lot of patience. I like to know immediately how I did.
I'm gonna leave here and go see Brandy today. Its her 18th birthday. I'm gonna spend it with her. Make sure she has a fabulous time. And she will. Because I'll be there. lol
It really irks me that I'm getting paid late this month. If that hadn't been the case, Brandy, Demery, and I would be heading to the beach right about now.
Sabrina should come up from South Carolina to see her. She'll like that.

I've decided to work again on that website. I'm going to call it, "Chronicles of the Lost". It isn't going to have much on it at first. But that's okay. I'll fix that soon enough. I want to get an upgrade for my computer. It needs it really bad. The thing is slower than my grandmother. But, I love them both.
I'll have more on it later. Right now, I have to go fight to keep my rating above 1150 in yahoo! towers.

11:50am: Tests suck
They definitely, definitely suck.

I looked in my friends list yesterday, and I got a surprise. There's about seven people on that list. I've never seen any of these people's journals. I suppose people just see the name "Psyche" and automatically want to add me to their lists so they can worship the life that I lead. But rarely talk about on here. lol
Quite flattering actually.

I know exactly what I'm going to do today. And that is....nothing. Nada. Not a single, solitary, damned thing. Mmmm....I can't wait. I'm just going to lie in the pool and relax and make my tan even darker than it already is. That's the life.

At the moment though, I'm doing something. *gasp* How horrid, I know. The thought of actually doing something chills my bones, too.
But this has to be done. I'm estimating the cost of the next two years here at Richmond Community College. I'm trying to determine how long it'll be before I can buy a new car. And, by new, I mean a car that will be new for me to drive. Not a completely brand-new car. Wow. What a dream that is.
After I'm done with that, I can estimate the cost of living expenses and such at UNC-Pembroke for two or three years. Thus, telling me when I'll be able to afford a very small apartment of my own.

The only problem with all these calculations is that I have take into consideration the fact that the cost of living anywhere goes up each year.
What a drag.

I have a student in about five minutes. Yay.

2:28pm: Long day in the classroom
I have so little patience right now for anything or anyone.
All I want is to go home and curl up to finish reading about _The Redemption of Althalus_. But, I have another student coming anytime now. In fact, he should already have gotten here.
I decided to take the College Algebra class they offered this summer. I have ten days left in the semester, and I can't wait for them to be over and gone.
I have a 91 average in the class so far. Not bad. But not good either.
I don't write in this journal often enough. I know I say that alot.

It's just that it seems as though there's never very much to say unless I wait awhile. Significant events to write about are few and far between in this small town.
I spent this 4th at the beach with Brandy, her mother, and her mother's boyfriend. I must say that even though it was all I could do to drag Bran away from her mother for five minutes, I really did enjoy myself.
Barefoot Landing had some really beautiful fireworks. They were absolutely mesmerizing. Some of the really big ones looked almost as if they were coming straight at me. I almost wanted to lean back because they felt so close.
I bought a mood necklace. Very cute little dolphin which encircles a ball that changes colors with my moods. At least, it's supposed to. However, the only color I've seen it show is light blue. But, its pretty anyway. I bought Mom a ring and also a seashell. I gave Cassinda this cute little charm necklace I found in a shop at Barefoot Landing. And for Hayley, I bought one of those glow in the dark bands. She looked so cute when she put it on her little head and told me she was a fairy princess.

July 17th seems so far away. I want so badly for it to hurry up and come so that I can pack for Philadelphia. I'm coming out of my shoes with excitement. I've told Brandy all about the city and all the places there are to go. I know she'll love it there, because I love it there.
......
Oh well, my student didn't show. Come to think of it, this is the second day he's ditched me like this. I'm supposed to drop him after the second time.
I hate to do that. But I'll probably have to anyway.
Its been such a long day. I'm weary to the bones. And all I can think about is getting home to my book.
I think there's a very good possibility that I read too much.
If I'm correct, I'm in the middle of three books right now.
One of them is Stephen King's _Everything's Eventual. The other two are _The Redemption of Althalus and Ayn Rand's _We The Living.
King always writes a good horror tale. _The Redemption of Althalus_ is absolutely fascinating. As best I can describe it without going into too much detail, the entire book is an allegory. Religion being the main basis of the plotline.
_We The Living_ is just....well, the main character, Kira, is utterly infuriating. I liked her very much at first. But now, she's gone and went self-destructive on me. The background, 1920's communist Russia, is making me remember when I had to read _Animal Farm_ in 9th grade English. I remember enjoying that one very much.

2:18am: Registration and such...
At 8:30 am today, I will register for my first class back at Richmond Community College. I'm taking one class. More than likely, this class will be a sociology class. I'm looking up the summer schedule right now to see what the hours are.
I'll consider myself one lucky bastard if the Expository Writing class is available. But its the summer session, classes are limited, and I'm registering a day before classes begin. I don't think I'll get it.
I just looked and there's one writing class. I heard they added one for the nursing students, but I'm not holding my breath. The chances of getting into it are slim to none.
I'm hoping for the Social Problems class. Its from 10:10 to 11:10. I've never heard of the teacher. But then, I wasn't there long last fall. So I'm sure there are a bunch of teachers I haven't yet heard about.
The only reason I'm hoping for the Social Problems class is because its a class that wasn't offered the semester I was there. So, I'm curious as to what it will be like.

6:47am: Back from Colorado
I suppose that one day soon I'll get around to explaining the details of why I came home. But, in the specific journal entry, I think I'll just focus of what I've been doing since I've been back.
Been spending alot of time with friends. I've spent some time with Sherry and Chris now that they're both home. I must admit, I missed hanging out with Chris. Something about the guy that just makes me laugh. He's such an asshole. lol I don't know how Sherry puts up with the guy day in and day out.

Brandy's prom has came and gone. And I'm happy that I was here for her on that day. Her dress was beautiful. She looked great and I was glad I was there for it. I have pictures and I plan to upload them to that silly site I have sometime in the near future.
Surprise surprise....I also plan to put one or two of myself on there as well. Those who asked for them, cherish them. Pictures of me after six years old are such a rare commodity.
(AHHHHH!!!!!! - Moth in my room! Little screwball's gonna die)
Ew. Bugs. *shudder*

Anyhow, I've also been spending alot of time with Tabatha and her aunt. We've been discussing several things. The first, and of course, most important, is whether or not her aunt will let us rent her house. I have my fingers crossed. And I may have found a potential third roommate. Though that hasn't been confirmed yet.
The second thing is that her aunt wants me to be in her wedding this summer as a bridesmaid. I think that should be fun.

Since being home, I've met Sabrina's new husband once. Carl seems nice enough. But I just can't shake the feeling that this marriage will not last. She's 18. And he's 23.
I could dismiss the age thing easily if it weren't for a bunch of other things.
Namely the fact that they knew each other all of two weeks before they were engaged. And that she straight out told me she rushed him into marrying her because she didn't want to live at home any longer. So, he frigging quit medical school to marry her. She makes me so damned mad sometimes. I just wanna shake her.

Anywho, since I've been home, my 19th birthday has passed. Kind of hard to believe I'm 19. lol...how strange. The day was a quiet one, and I'm kind of glad.

I'm going to register for one class this summer. And spend of the duration the class focused only on school. And not a damn thing else.

And when that class is over, I'm going to the beach for a weekend.

But right now, I'm going to bed. I cannot believe its almost 7 am. Why am I awake?

5:37pm: Hey hey hey! I'll try to write more in here but I don't know if I'll be able to hold to that. I don't get to the library much anymore.
I've been slacking on my duties as a citizen to my country (gag!). I've been meaning to get to the SSA office and get a new social security card but I've been slacking on it and I need to stop doing that. 'Cause baby I need a job!
I want a yo-yo though. One of the ones that light up when you use it. Jason and I are letting his friend Josh stay with us until Josh can find a place of his own. So Friday night, we decided to go to Josh's apartment and help him move what little he has into our living room. But when we got there, Josh was at his friend Mark's. So we went up to Mark's. Who, by the way, has a balcony facing an absolutely incredible view of the Rockies.
Anywho, when we got there, Mark's friend Glenn was there (like 40 years old - he had the yo-yo that lit up). The people already there wanted a keg of beer. So they left to go get a keg of Warsteiner. I had one glass. And then another. And then Jason coaxed me into a shot of vodka. And then someone dropped by who had a bottle of Peach wine. So, of course, since no one else wanted it, I took it. And by the night's end, it was gone. So, I had to have another beer. Walking home at 4 am in that condition was fun. Jason has a hicky he can't remember receiving (hehe). I enjoyed the night, and needless to say, Josh didn't move in Friday night. He did yesterday though.

3:50pm: Can you say......SHOPPING!!!!!!!!!...........?
Oh wow. So, I know I said I was gonna use this as an update thing for the website. But, well, I kinda got side-tracked on that and then i just went and entirely deleted the whole thing. I really don't think anyone would mind as I don't think anyone reads this journal in the first place. But that's okay as well because I hardly ever write in it.
It's the day before Christmas Eve and I have about a gazillion things to do. First on the list:
1. Go to the DMV and get an I.D. made.
This is definitely necessary if I want to get on the plane tomorrow and go see my family and friends in NC.
I also need to buy a Christmas present for Jason.
And my mom.
And Hayley and Cassinda and Casey. And definitely Chris. She'd be sad if I got the kids something and not her too.
And I need to get Brandy a present. And Tabby. And Bini.
And, oh gosh, so many people, so much shopping to do, so little time. I'm gonna take a cab to the DMV and after I finish up there, its downtown to the mall to do some SHOPPING!
SHOPPING! SHOPPING! SHOPPING! SHOPPING! SHOPPING! SHOPPING! SHOPPING! SHOPPING! SHOPPING! SHOPPING! SHOPPING! SHOPPING! SHOPPING! SHOPPING! SHOPPING!
YAY!!!!!!!!

2:57pm: Journal entry has been deleted.

5:08pm: Journal entry has been deleted.