October 21st, 2003

Sucky ass day

God, could this day get any fucking worse?
So, I told Jazz the other night that I wanted to start talking again. I wanted to try and see if we could have something eventually. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. It was all a really bad fucking idea. He asked me last night what I wanted. And I feel so fucking great. Oh yeah, just great. Why?! Because I, in my eternal stupidity couldn't even answer the damn question. How screwed up is that?
And why couldn't I answer his perfectly honest, perfectly deserving of an answer question? Because I hadn't fucking thought about it farther than sex goddammit. I had no idea in hell where I wanted any kind of relationship with this guy to go.
I am one priceless fucking gem. And then as if that isn't enough, he tells me what he wants. I feel so fucking stupid. And isn't because he wants something outrageous or sick or anything like that at all. In fact, he has a perfectly natural right to want what he wants.
Its just that I can't give it.
No, not can't. I won't. Pride. No. Shame. Its fucking shame in myself. I feel so fucking stupid.

This is so goddamn not the way I wanted this to turn out at all. But I had no right to ask him to start talking to me again. No right at all. Because I knew what I couldn't give is the one thing he wants so darned fucking much. I really hate this.

So anyway, i really wish this had never happened. I hurt the guy once but not twice.
I suck.
  • Current Music
    my own shame whistling in my ears