Is that even a word? lol I'm not sure. And I guess it doesn't even matter. There is groundbreaking news in the world of Psyche. My goddamned AOL connection has been suspended. I can't remember where else I wrote this....oh yeah, my new AIM profile, but anyway, I'm not the one who pays for the master account, so I'm not the reason this happened. Makes me feel at least somewhat placated about the entire situation. Besides the fact that I now have to use netzero to log on the fucking internet. How screwed up is that?!
Ya know, I was just fine and dandy with my aol account. I had my own screen name plus I had screen names to give away. AND not only that, but I had my own aol email address. I could log onto the internet with my own aol account. And now, I'm having to one of those free ISP connections. The ones where you only get ten hours of use a month. Which, have I mentioned, really bites me in the ass. So, I signed up for a temporary email address with hotmail. This really fucking bites.
So, yesterday James and D came over. She said she couldn't find her makeup bag or whatever and was wondering if she'd left it at my house. Which, btw, I have not seen. So anyway, after we settle that, they ask me if i want to go out with them. I'm like sure, why not? I should probably add that while we were at the house, James kept telling me that the loss of my email address was not the end of the world and that the earth was in fact, still turning on its axis. I should also mention that I'm kinda pissed off at the guy who pays for my internet account because the only reason the account is suspended is because the guy wants to be a jackass. I really hate the bastard. And not because of this. The guy is a fucking crook anyway, so hell ya know.
Anywho, we got in the car and decided we wanted to go to Wal-Mart and get something to drink. The entire drive there I kept urging D to run over someone to assuage my need for revenge in a deadly fashion. I really was pissed off yesterday. More than I am now. I wish I'd have been able to write about this yesterday when it was all still fresh in my mind. Then I really would've surprised whoever reads this journal. James kept asking me if I heard voices. And if so, were they really telling me to tell D to run over all these people.
After we left Wal-Mart, james decided I might like The Cutting Edge. I did dude! That place is fucking awesome. I saw this sticker that i really wanted to buy but couldn't because I'm broke. It read: "Donors wanted - Orgasm needed"
Me being me, I loved it. Not to mention this good keychain that I saw that read: There are only two rules when in a relationship with a women: #1. The women is always right. AND #2. If the woman is not right, SEE RULE #1.
lol....I thought that rocked. I saw some other stuff I wanted. I may go back when I get paid.
After we left there we went back to my house where i had a plate of spaghetti. We then left again. We walked around stores. D and I kept teasing James with lingerie and such. While we were in the car, he brought the subject that the last time he and his gf had sex, he didn't use a condom. And now she's got some flu-like symptoms. Since the kid's only 15, I advised him to call the girl immediately and talk to her about it. Ordinarily, I wouldn't hang around someone so young. But I forget sometimes how young the guy is. I honestly thought he was my age when I first met him.
Anywho, we went back to my house where he called his gf in my room and asked her if she thought she was pregnant or not. What really blew my mind is that while we were still in the car, D and James were telling me that this girl apparently WANTS to have a baby. At fifteen years old. Can you even imagine?! I remember thinking I was pregnant right after Jas and I broke up. It really is no fun to imagine.
So this kid's thoughts are running wild imagining his life with a child. And then when he calls the girl up and asks her, she won't give him a straight answer. She finally says she thinks she might be but she doesn't know. Before James and D left, I patted the kid on the head and wished him the best of luck with what little time remained of his youth. heh I really don't think she's pregnant. I mean, for all I know, she could be. But the story he told me just doesn't fit the timing. So, no I don't think she is. But it isn't a possibility that can be discounted. So, he waits. Poor dude.
Jazz and I....we're on tentative speaking terms I guess. I think. I dunno. He kept saying stuff last night that referenced to what happened in a light kind of way. Needless to say, I told him to kiss my ass. But then, that's just me. So, I don't think he's offended. But I am kind of pissed. But then, i'll get over it. There's always Marc. Fine-ass man that he is. MMM mmm mmm...yummy
If ever there were the perfect toy for a girl.......

he isn't it.
However, I do know the perfect boytoy. Think about him and my mouth waters with sheer desire and delight. Name's Jason coincidentally. But I've known this guy longer than I knew Stevens. This one is just so delightfully delicious. My own cousin has the love of her young life and her mouth still waters whenever I mention my fine friend Jason. I can't say that I really want to date him. In fact, all I really want to do is convince him to engage in a very hot one night stand with me. Whenever I look at this friend, I see the very vision of the word sex.
lol...the guy actually happens to be a good, long time friend. But damn if he isn't also one fine friend.
An ass made for some Levis. Not muscular but not bony either. Six feet even and i think like 175 lbs? I'm not sure. All I know is, there is not an ounce of fat on that man's thighs. Such powerful looking thighs. And hair that I just want to run my hands through all day and night. Hands....well, we won't go there.
What I'm saying is, the man symbolizes the vision of sex. And not just for me, I know. lol
24, sexy as hell, one damn intelligent guy, and as confident and cocky as a man can be without being an asshole. And yes he has brothers my friends. Two younger brothers. One's 21 and the other's 14. I'm friends as well with the middle one. He isn't his brother but he doesn't look that bad either. lol
These are men made for sex.
Hmmph well....

Don't know how I got off on that tangent, but I kinda liked it. hehe

Sucky ass day

God, could this day get any fucking worse?
So, I told Jazz the other night that I wanted to start talking again. I wanted to try and see if we could have something eventually. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. It was all a really bad fucking idea. He asked me last night what I wanted. And I feel so fucking great. Oh yeah, just great. Why?! Because I, in my eternal stupidity couldn't even answer the damn question. How screwed up is that?
And why couldn't I answer his perfectly honest, perfectly deserving of an answer question? Because I hadn't fucking thought about it farther than sex goddammit. I had no idea in hell where I wanted any kind of relationship with this guy to go.
I am one priceless fucking gem. And then as if that isn't enough, he tells me what he wants. I feel so fucking stupid. And isn't because he wants something outrageous or sick or anything like that at all. In fact, he has a perfectly natural right to want what he wants.
Its just that I can't give it.
No, not can't. I won't. Pride. No. Shame. Its fucking shame in myself. I feel so fucking stupid.

This is so goddamn not the way I wanted this to turn out at all. But I had no right to ask him to start talking to me again. No right at all. Because I knew what I couldn't give is the one thing he wants so darned fucking much. I really hate this.

So anyway, i really wish this had never happened. I hurt the guy once but not twice.
I suck.
  • Current Music
    my own shame whistling in my ears

All that is

Its almost 6. At 6, I go home.
But anyway, that gives me just a little while to update the few readers of this journal on the details of my life since the last entry.
Sabrina and I had a "falling out." Long story short, she made me really mad. Plus, my mother's pissed of at her, too.
Brandy and Chris got engaged. And then they broke off the engagement. Well, she broke it off because Chris said that when he went away to basic training this coming summer, that maybe one of them might "slip up."
Personally, I think he wants to slip up. Brandy's been talking to her ex, Josh on the phone. I wish she'd break up with Chris and go back with Josh. I liked Josh. And he and Brandy still love each other. So, I don't know what they're waiting for. I do know that Brandy's mom thinks Josh has changed since he and Brandy broke it off. She said he's not the same nice guy. Josh is 20, very nice steady income, good transportation - I've spent alot of time with Josh talking to him, so I know he really cares about her. He needs to get rid of "The Bitch" (Melissa) and ask Brandy to go back with him.
I'm so behind in two of my classes. I missed an Eng. essay a few days ago. Not good. So, I've broken down what I need to do. Given everything deadlines. I've learned that I do well with set, near deadlines.
My room looks like the devil attacked it. My head hurts. I'm hungry as all hell. And I still fucking use Jason's phrase of "as all hell." Okay, now I'm in a bitchy mood. I don't think there is an end as to how much I hate the sound of the name Jason Eric Stevens. Its not that i hate him or anything for what happened. Its that the sight of his name reminds me of what happened. And I hate to think of what happened.
I know I said I'd explain one day what happened to make me come home. Well, I will. One day.
  • Current Music
    my stomach rumbling


I have been using a computer since I was nine, and I had never heard of a bulletin board system until a few years ago. The idea of its actually kind of interesting. It came out before the internet was born, and the idea is that people call a remote computer and are allowed a specified allotment of time in which to talk, play games, and do other stuff like send files and such. Pretty cool for the '80s I'd say.

New website

In case no one has noticed, which I'm sure everyone has, Livejournal.com has a new web design. Looks nice. I like the nice clean look of the site. Definitely makes it better to navigate and such. I deifnitely approve.

In other news, its been a while since I wrote anything in here. I've started my Fall Semester. Full course load of 5 classes. One of them being College Student Success. Such a boring, inane class that the college requires every student to take.

I'm also taking Public Speaking. I shuddered at the thought of the class when I signed up for it. But I have to have at least one communications class. So, I thought that I might as well get it over with. I've already given my first speech. I wasn't half as nervous as I thought I would be. However, I wasn't the picture of calm either. I could hear my voice shaking sometimes.
But, to my surprise, everyone thought it was a wonderful speech. I got many compliments. The topic was my proudest moment. My proudest moment being when I received the scholarships that I did to go to college here.
I've also begun tutoring again. I've expanded my repertoire of subjects I can tutor in. I now tutor not only math students, but one english student, and a computer student as well. I've been thinking about being a history tutor since that's what my major is. But, much to my surprise, no one seems to need a history tutor.
What's wrong with these people? Don't they know that history is hard for them?
:) The other three classes I'm taking are: Western Civ. I, Expos. Writing, and Intro. Psych. The psychology class being the easiest because I've already taken the class once (well, half anyway) and I know his style of teaching. I knwo the kinds of tests he gives. So, I know how to study, and most days I know what he'll say before he even gets a word out.

I've started a new story. Its always puzzled me when I read a book or hear about a person who thinks they're bad because their parents were. Like it runs in the blood or something. The idea that because someone's mother or father was "evil" or just junkies or lived on the streets and peddled drugs, that the child is bad. That this character "trait" runs in the blood.
Where this idea comes from, I don't know. But its absolutely ludicrous.
I was thinking about this. And how when a person thinks like this, that it can affect their entire life, and all the decisions they make. So, I decided to write a story about a young woman who was born into poverty. Whose mother had to do whatever she could to survive. And because her mother had to do these things, this young woman believes that she is stuck in this way of life forever. A smart, beautiful young woman who doesn't believe in much of anything. That's she trash, and cannot be loved.
And then there's the choices she makes. And, in the middle of all this, is the man who loves this young woman.
This is the general idea for the story. I hope I finish it because I love the idea and it intrigues me. And I wonder what will happen. I'm still not sure exactly what's going to happen. I know my characters, but I don't know what they're going to do. You'd figure I'd be able to predict. But words have a way of taking on a life of their own and writing your story for you.
Usually it's a poem I write. I write for many reasons. One of the biggest is the feeling I get sometimes that I have to put a particular idea on paper. And these are personal feelings. And often the need to get the idea expressed on paper is very urgent. Which is one reason that I don't write alot of stories. Another reason is that I hardly ever finish the stories I begin. But poetry doesn't take a month or two.
And I never put my stories on computer. For one thing, I don't like the idea that the computer can crash and my story will be lost. Or that I might this small disk the size of my palm. Trust me, a notebook is much easier to keep up with.
The other reason is that, my muse seems to die the minute I bring up the word processor program. I type faster than I write. And this is not a good thing. Not when I think slower than I type.
Writing on paper gives me a certain satisfaction that I just can't acheive on paper.
Now, that isn't the reason that I write so infrequently in this journal. The reason for that is that I'm just too damned lazy. lol I love to write though. But often I don't really feel that anything has happened that is worthy of being put up here.

I met somebody.
Well, I didn't just meet him. Not exactly.
We've actually been kind of casual friends for about four or five months now.
But, last Friday I talked to him for about a half an hour. And now, of all the inconvenient things, I cannot get this guy out of my head. I'm consumed with wanting to go out with him and talk to him again. Not to mention the uncontrollable lust I experience everytime I see him.
We've always flirted. And not just smiling and laughing and the such. Heavy flirting. So I have no doubt the guy likes me. Or that he wants me. And he's asked me out before. But I always said some other time, because I was interested in another guy.
His name is Marc. He's 25. Dark hair - which I've always liked in a guy. Very nice body. Intelligent, interesting, and damn sexy. A musician. With some beautiful words.
We've been talking sometimes, and I'll suddenly feel like I have one of those boxes people talk about. The ones where you could open it up, and you're suddenly bombarded with praise. They aren't real, of course, but every woman wants one. I feel like that when I talk to him. Only the words are pretty and poetic. All there'd have to be were candles, moonlight and some good Italian food and I'd definitely feel the seduction.
I like this guy. Quite a bit, in fact.
  • Current Music
    computer keys clicking - the music of my days

Cleaning out the closet

Not much to do right now except work more on the site. I've got the contact page up. Its pretty basic. I also added a link to this journal. And then I chose a different style for this journal so that it doesn't look the same as it always did. That gets tired after a while.
I'd like to buy a new computer. Or at least upgrade this one. However, even if I did that, I still want a new one.
WIll be awhile before any serious talk of even upgrading this one can be discussed. I've now been relegated to one of those poor college students.
How dismal.
  • Current Mood
    bored bored

I'm gonna go home early (a hint of a musical melody here)

I'm gonna go home early...i'm gonna go home early....lol

Yes, I am. Our test weren't graded this morning, and so I don't have my grade back. That kinda sucked. I'm not one who has a lot of patience. I like to know immediately how I did.
I'm gonna leave here and go see Brandy today. Its her 18th birthday. I'm gonna spend it with her. Make sure she has a fabulous time. And she will. Because I'll be there. lol
It really irks me that I'm getting paid late this month. If that hadn't been the case, Brandy, Demery, and I would be heading to the beach right about now.
Sabrina should come up from South Carolina to see her. She'll like that.

I've decided to work again on that website. I'm going to call it, "Chronicles of the Lost". It isn't going to have much on it at first. But that's okay. I'll fix that soon enough. I want to get an upgrade for my computer. It needs it really bad. The thing is slower than my grandmother. But, I love them both.
I'll have more on it later. Right now, I have to go fight to keep my rating above 1150 in yahoo! towers.
  • Current Mood
    cheerful cheerful

Tests suck

They definitely, definitely suck.

I looked in my friends list yesterday, and I got a surprise. There's about seven people on that list. I've never seen any of these people's journals. I suppose people just see the name "Psyche" and automatically want to add me to their lists so they can worship the life that I lead. But rarely talk about on here. lol
Quite flattering actually.

I know exactly what I'm going to do today. And that is....nothing. Nada. Not a single, solitary, damned thing. Mmmm....I can't wait. I'm just going to lie in the pool and relax and make my tan even darker than it already is. That's the life.

At the moment though, I'm doing something. *gasp* How horrid, I know. The thought of actually doing something chills my bones, too.
But this has to be done. I'm estimating the cost of the next two years here at Richmond Community College. I'm trying to determine how long it'll be before I can buy a new car. And, by new, I mean a car that will be new for me to drive. Not a completely brand-new car. Wow. What a dream that is.
After I'm done with that, I can estimate the cost of living expenses and such at UNC-Pembroke for two or three years. Thus, telling me when I'll be able to afford a very small apartment of my own.

The only problem with all these calculations is that I have take into consideration the fact that the cost of living anywhere goes up each year.
What a drag.

I have a student in about five minutes. Yay.

Long day in the classroom

I have so little patience right now for anything or anyone.
All I want is to go home and curl up to finish reading about _The Redemption of Althalus_. But, I have another student coming anytime now. In fact, he should already have gotten here.
I decided to take the College Algebra class they offered this summer. I have ten days left in the semester, and I can't wait for them to be over and gone.
I have a 91 average in the class so far. Not bad. But not good either.
I don't write in this journal often enough. I know I say that alot.

It's just that it seems as though there's never very much to say unless I wait awhile. Significant events to write about are few and far between in this small town.
I spent this 4th at the beach with Brandy, her mother, and her mother's boyfriend. I must say that even though it was all I could do to drag Bran away from her mother for five minutes, I really did enjoy myself.
Barefoot Landing had some really beautiful fireworks. They were absolutely mesmerizing. Some of the really big ones looked almost as if they were coming straight at me. I almost wanted to lean back because they felt so close.
I bought a mood necklace. Very cute little dolphin which encircles a ball that changes colors with my moods. At least, it's supposed to. However, the only color I've seen it show is light blue. But, its pretty anyway. I bought Mom a ring and also a seashell. I gave Cassinda this cute little charm necklace I found in a shop at Barefoot Landing. And for Hayley, I bought one of those glow in the dark bands. She looked so cute when she put it on her little head and told me she was a fairy princess.

July 17th seems so far away. I want so badly for it to hurry up and come so that I can pack for Philadelphia. I'm coming out of my shoes with excitement. I've told Brandy all about the city and all the places there are to go. I know she'll love it there, because I love it there.
Oh well, my student didn't show. Come to think of it, this is the second day he's ditched me like this. I'm supposed to drop him after the second time.
I hate to do that. But I'll probably have to anyway.
Its been such a long day. I'm weary to the bones. And all I can think about is getting home to my book.
I think there's a very good possibility that I read too much.
If I'm correct, I'm in the middle of three books right now.
One of them is Stephen King's _Everything's Eventual. The other two are _The Redemption of Althalus and Ayn Rand's _We The Living.
King always writes a good horror tale. _The Redemption of Althalus_ is absolutely fascinating. As best I can describe it without going into too much detail, the entire book is an allegory. Religion being the main basis of the plotline.
_We The Living_ is just....well, the main character, Kira, is utterly infuriating. I liked her very much at first. But now, she's gone and went self-destructive on me. The background, 1920's communist Russia, is making me remember when I had to read _Animal Farm_ in 9th grade English. I remember enjoying that one very much.

Registration and such...

At 8:30 am today, I will register for my first class back at Richmond Community College. I'm taking one class. More than likely, this class will be a sociology class. I'm looking up the summer schedule right now to see what the hours are.
I'll consider myself one lucky bastard if the Expository Writing class is available. But its the summer session, classes are limited, and I'm registering a day before classes begin. I don't think I'll get it.
I just looked and there's one writing class. I heard they added one for the nursing students, but I'm not holding my breath. The chances of getting into it are slim to none.
I'm hoping for the Social Problems class. Its from 10:10 to 11:10. I've never heard of the teacher. But then, I wasn't there long last fall. So I'm sure there are a bunch of teachers I haven't yet heard about.
The only reason I'm hoping for the Social Problems class is because its a class that wasn't offered the semester I was there. So, I'm curious as to what it will be like.
  • Current Music
    A Missy Elliot song is on the radio...i think its Missy Elliot